At 3:32pm EST on October 10, 2017, I asked myself a question and answered it…
Why am I here? Why is the reality I thought I was going to live not yet materialized? I stare at the computer screen and sip my Earl Grey and peppermint tea to subside my second round of cluster headaches that kept me up for most of the night and made me sluggish to even think or write. I’m behind…again…and time doesn’t give a shit—never has and never will. Nope, not part of its’ job description. I sit with highlighted life lessons from Audre Lorde and June Jordan—the ancestors. I think of Granny Nanny and her relentless fight for those before me. I think of my grandmother, who died because of her political alliance for change. Words like “sweet” and “articulate” and occasional stories are the only memories I have of her. My living grandmother knows me, but doesn’t really remember me—it hurts. She’s a survivor who had a fire within her and was a nurse before she retired. Her touch still makes things okay. The fighters, the heroines, the healers, the educators, the protectors, the lovers. These are the lives that run through my veins. I am agency reincarnated. And my blood pressure goes up when I have to deal with racism and sexism (implicit or explicit), balancing life and work and goals and dreams. The headache eases and informs me that I can get work done, but don’t get too comfortable because when it’s ready to turn up, it will. Pure bitchassness. I get a text and what I have lived and learned is needed to assist in healing spirit wounds that were left to fester. Real talk, my life lessons have made me stronger even in my weakest moments, so like the women before me, I defend a fellow spirit and tend to their wounds. Right now, this is why I am here. It is why I engage with fuckery that scars me. A masochist…hmmmm, maybe? Although I am a little wiser in what I allow to injure me (picking them battles, boo). I know my life is not only for this purpose. It is to be a giant for the future to stand on so that they can see and go further. It is to love and laugh, to create community and build. To eat curry and callaloo till I can’t anymore. Ooooh, yeah. To be lazy without apology every once in awhile. Oooouuuu. To dance with a freedom that is beyond measure or category, yes. Yesssssssss. I have and I will. But today, love, today, i was called to do something else. now i am realizing that the moments when i feel like giving up—even though my peoples won’t let me—now, i know why i am here.
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